Diary of a Healing Girl: Stage 4 – Birthday Blues and Birthday Blessings

I really love birthdays. Mine being my favourite. June 10th is my favourite day of the year. This year it had more to it than I ever imagined. This is the healing chapter of the Heartbroken & Healing Girl Series. Read the previous post here: Diary of a Healing Girl: Stage 3 – Salvation and Developing a Personal Faith in God

Disclaimer: This is written from my point of view. Every relationship has two people and every story has two sides. I am writing this hoping that one day a person going through what I went through will read and be encouraged and know that it gets better. It did for me (Sorry I gave away the ending😂).

My lease ended in May and I had already decided to move in with my sister and her family for a while. That last weekend in Malindi, I hosted my family for one of the best weekends I had in Malindi and drove back with them.

Living with my sister was going great. Having the kids around made for extra excitement. My postpay minutes also rested since instead of long phone calls with my sister and confidant, we now had long one on one conversations.

My birthday was fast approaching and it had carried a lot more baggage than I ever realised.

See, when my relationship ended I wasn’t worried that I was getting old and I was unmarried. I wasn’t afraid of my future without my relationship. But, I was deadly scared of being alone and lonely on my birthday.

I love birthdays and especially mine more than the average person, and I have always made a huge deal out of mine.

This birthday was the first one without Marc since my 21st bday. Basically, the last birthday I was single was my 20th birthday. Every other one, situations changed, venues changed, the colour of the cake changed, but the person standing next to me was the same.

So yes I was so afraid that when the day came I would be too lonely without him and that would be the memory of my 28th bday.

In light of this, the week before my birthday I was scared out of my wits and I had all these emotions running in my head. I actually ended up spending the entire Saturday before my birthday in bed because I was too anxious to do much else.

By this time I was considering not celebrating my birthday at all. And if you know me then not celebrating my birthday is a big deal. I would have to be really not okay not to celebrate my birthday.

When Sunday came and I was preparing to go to church, I remembered that I had God by my side.

What was I so afraid of?

I decided to change my attitude and enjoy turning another year older. It didn’t really take much to change my attitude when I looked to my faith. Something I rely on more and more in my life as I continue. My faith is becoming my anchor, that rock that steadies me when I am about to fall.

That Sunday my faith saved me from my birthday blues. I went to church a happy woman. I started to look forward to it.

Coincidentally, later that afternoon happened to be my little nephew’s birthday and we were celebrating with my cousins. At some point, as we ate and made merry together, I happened to mention that my birthday was coming up and they were so excited about it.

I instantly decided to hold a party for it the next Sunday. Most of them confirmed attendance there and then. And that got me excited. Very excited about my birthday.

I proceeded to post a bunch of countdowns to the big day on my WhatsApp status. I literally couldn’t wait for that D-Day.

At this point, I still did not have anything specific to do on my actual birthday, until a friend of mine invited me for a lunch, which I graciously accepted.

On Thursday 10th June 2021 at 0000Hrs, my 28th birthday officially kicked off.

This birthday was different from any other birthdays I have ever celebrated. For the last 9 or so years, my birthdays were characterised by shot drinking, loud parties and getting pretty drunk. They were very much fun and having my friends around was always a bonus. But this time it was different, I was different.

This one started with a Bible verse and a prayer. And that was the best thing ever. I felt energised and ready for yet another year of life.

A few minutes into midnight my sister surprised me with a queen cake and a happy birthday song that almost brought me to tears. It was an awesome surprise and I slept smiling like a fool.

I woke up and went on with my work as usual. In the afternoon, I dressed and got ready for my lunch.

There was insane traffic on the way but I ended up getting there earlier than my pal, but when he arrived we had a great time, with lots of food and lots of conversation. Another coincidence was that the last time he and I had lunch together like that was on my 21st Birthday.

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Now, remember how afraid and anxious I was about my birthday? It wasn’t only because of the fact that it was my first birthday in 7 years that I would be alone, it was also that birthdays held a special meaning to my relationship.

In all those months I wondered if my ex would ever reach out, I always thought that my birthday would have been his best excuse.

Luckily for me, because of the better mental place I was in during this time, I didn’t really expect or hold my breath that he would. But that thought was still in the back of my mind.

All-day, I received a lot of wishes and none came from him.

I left my lunch/dinner elated. As I was in the back of the cab, still receiving some birthday wishes. It was at this time I realised that as the day went by and I didn’t hear from him, I was more and more glad. And I found myself wishing time to go faster so as to close that window. That window I had inevitably opened in my mind for him. I knew he wouldn’t wish me and as time went by, I started to celebrate the fact that he didn’t.

It was like I freed myself from a self-imposed agony I somehow added to my birthday.

When I got home, I was surprised yet again by my sister and her husband with nyama choma which I ate gladly. I am not sure where all the food went that day but I ate all of it.

As the clock hit midnight, and it wasn’t my birthday anymore, and he had not reached out, I closed my eyes and listened to my mind, and my heart.

I searched my entire self and I realised that there wasn’t a single lonely bone in my body. In fact, most bones were pretty happy and excited.

And that officially put an end to the journey of my ended relationship. It was like my birthday was the very last pit stop. And it would determine if that was it. And this time it was.

I felt relief wash over me. I felt lighter and ready to move on with life.

Another coincidence is that my brother went to get the stuff I had packed from my ex-home, from my cousin’s place where they were since Feb. At that time I was not ready to go anywhere near there. So that crossed yet another thing off my list.

My birthday was also very significant because I realised something. I really was never alone. I have friends whom I have known for years still caring about me. The kind of friends you don’t talk to each day but when you do it is like you didn’t stop talking.

I have a family that was ready to take me in when I realised I needed to not live alone for a while. And they did it wholeheartedly.

I have a job I love, with colleagues who have become my second family.

Above all, I have a God in heaven who watches over me even when I am too stubborn to acknowledge His presence.

So yeah, I am deeply blessed, favoured and lucky.

And even though I lost an important part of me, I have not lost it all.

So I slept great that night, I thanked God for all His blessings.

Sunday came and I had the party. It was my first birthday party with family and we also had a duo celebration with my brother whose birthday is 2 days after mine (10th and 12th). It was also the first time to have a joint birthday since I am usually too selfish to share my birthdays. But I made sure we each had our own cakes. I may be down to sharing the day but I am not going to share my cake, no way.

By the end of that birth week. I was a new person. I stopped thinking like the heartbroken girl and started looking forward to and planning my future.

Since February, up until my birthday, I was living like a heartbroken girl. Every conversation with my closest friends and my future plans revolved around it. My birthday turned all that around.

I was now a girl who was healing at an awesome rate and I would only be grateful.

I will always remember my 28th birthday as an awesome day, that marked an important date in my journey. The day that I really let go of my ex and my relationship and any expectations I had in my mind.

I want to say thank you to everyone who made that day awesome by sending me wishes; Giving me awesome gifts; Attending numerous celebrations and overall being the best humans I have met.

That day was the beginning of the end. It ushered in the last 3 stages of the series, which I will combine because they are simultaneous. Moving On, Lessons Learnt and The end?

Series Navigation

<< Diary of a Healing Girl: Stage 3 – Salvation and Developing a Personal Faith in GodDiary of a Healing Girl: Stage 5,6,7… – Moving on, Lessons learned and the End? >>