Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 2 – Feeling Lost, Broken and In Pain

This entry is part 2 of 12 in the series Heartbroken & Healing Series

This is the second part of the series. Read the first part here: Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 1 – The Shock, denial and Pain

Disclaimer: This is written from my point of view. Every relationship has two people and every story has two sides. I am writing this hoping that one day a person going through what I went through will read and be encouraged and know that it gets better. It did for me (Sorry I gave away the ending😂).

At this point, I realised one thing. I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was broken. What happened had done a thing I did not know was possible. Something I thought I was too independent and too strong for. It broke me. Period. This left me in a state I have never been before. I was lost. I had too many thoughts to form any coherent approach. And so I didn’t. I chose the simplest thing I could achieve, I existed.

Being on the opposite side of town helped with the pain a little. Since I had time off from work, I had a lot of time to talk to my sister which also did wonders for me. At the same time, being disturbed by my niece and nephew whenever they got out of school, was a welcome haven. But while the pain seemed to have been dimmed, it was still there constantly. But it had been overshadowed by the feeling of being lost. That is what dominated my mind and my entire being, I was lost.

I felt like a fish out of water. I did not know how to feel or act. It was like accepting the fact that it was over left me blank. Was I single now? What do single people do? What do broken people do? Should I change the way I talk or walk or behave now that I was alone? Yeap. Lost.

I didn’t know how to continue, how to unplan the things I had planned in my mind. I honestly did not have a clue where to go from there, especially emotionally but it was slowly seeping into my other states without me realising it.

Sad Texts
Painful keeps
The pain I felt is still pretty evident

During the week, I had long talks with my sister, I bought more clothes than I had room or need for, and I did not do much else. On the Saturday that I was supposed to go to the wedding, my friend Emma asked me if we could go for a drive just the two of us and I will be forever grateful for her. We drove to Chania falls and had pork in Thika. She spared me from having to spend the day thinking of what would have been. Wondering how different it would have been if things hadn’t gone the way they did. I don’t know if it was intentional on her end or not but it worked wonders. Thank you, Emma, Be blessed always.

On Monday, my sister and I headed to Malindi. I was going back to my new home and she was visiting for a couple of days. Going back with her gave me a much-needed cushion from the emotional torture I would have been in had I gone back all the way alone. She saved me from the loneliness of leaving everything familiar behind. Having to think of all the broken promises and failed plans. And I was so grateful to have her around. Be blessed Joyce Daniel. And don’t forget to check out her youtube channel and her music video.

In the days she was in town, I was determined to be strong so I could show her a good time as it was her first time in Malindi. And I tried. Every morning I would give myself a pep talk in the mirror. Telling myself that I would be okay. This worked in an ironic way, I became numb for a day or two. It was like I shoved my feelings so deep inside that they had no way to surface. The only bad side of being numb is the fact that you don’t experience even the good emotions. And for a day or two, I was completely numb.

That week, I didn’t need to think of what to do because I gave myself one task, entertain my sister. And it was a great distraction since I was still very lost and I had no idea what else to do.

Unfortunately, all things end, especially the good ones and it came time for my sister to leave. And as I waved goodbye to her and locked the door to my massive apartment with only me on the inside, with the only familiar person getting further away from me by the minute: in the place that was supposed to be a paradise for me, the next stage was ushered in.

The next stage was one I could not anticipate. I had already felt so much pain in the last two weeks that I did not think there was more pain to be felt. But as I could come to realise soon, there was so much more and so much worse ahead of me. The next period became one of not just sadness and pain, but Deep Sadness and Deeper Pain.

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