Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 1 – The Shock, Denial and Pain

Saddest Sunset Ever
This entry is part 1 of 12 in the series Heartbroken & Healing Series

On January 31st 2021, a conversation started out of love. A conversation that would soon change my life forever. On February 14th 2021, a discovery broke me. Not just my heart but me. The thing is when I love, I love with all I have and apparently the same goes for when it ends. I break with everything I am. This is a series about my heartbreak journey. From the shock to the healing. This is the diary of a heartbroken girl.

Disclaimer: This is written from my point of view. Every relationship has two people and every story has two sides. I am writing this hoping that one day a person going through what I went through will read and be encouraged and know that it gets better. It did for me (Sorry I gave away the ending😂). I just wish I finally manage to hit the publish button.

On the fateful night that everything was laid bare. I felt as though my heart had been cut through with a sword. As my heart began to break, I swear I felt pain physically. I cried and wailed in the silence of the night and felt a pain that I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t sleep a wink, the pain wouldn’t let me. So I watched as the night gave way to the dawn, the dawn to the sunrise and finally it was daylight.

As I left my bed that morning, the shock and denial took the pilot seat. The pain was still there but somehow my brain had blocked most of it so I decided to move on with the day plans as if my life as I knew, had not just shattered. That Sunday we went swimming with our friends and in the afternoon we headed to Kilifi to watch a romantic sunset for the valentines day celebration. Yes, my heart was broken into a million pieces on valentines day, the irony.

The shock and denial continued to dominate for a while, anger and pain would try to show but nothing. At this point in time, I still had plans to spend the week on holiday with him and my friends. And attend a wedding together in 2 weeks.

Somewhere in the middle of the week, something happened that knocked some of the shock and denial off a little and in a moment of anger and clarity, I put an end to the ridiculous week plans. I just couldn’t pretend it was not happening anymore.

The moment I heard the car leave the gate, I broke down quite literally on my couch and I am just glad that my friend (Steph) had decided to stay back with me for a while. She held me as I cried and wailed and asked questions that no one had an answer to. And thus the pain was back.

I felt as much physical pain as mental. At every given moment, I would either feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest or a bunch of monkeys were dancing in my stomach and not in a good way. I would wake up feeling stuffy as if the air was being sucked out of my lungs. I would sigh as the first thing the moment I realised that it was not a dream.

The pain I felt during this week was different, there was still some remnant of denial and shock. Therefore, I felt pain with expectations and hope that my boyfriend of 7 years would do something to ease the pain, anything to assure me that it wasn’t all meaningless. I was waiting for his call or text. And I was waiting for him to reach out and tell me that…

Honestly, I don’t know what I wanted him to tell me, but I wanted him to tell me anything, anything that would take away even a fraction of the pain I felt. But the call didn’t come through or any text or anything. Hence more pain.

One afternoon, we wanted to go to the beach and Steph went ahead to the shower. I was browsing my hard disk when I stumbled upon old music from 2015 and the first song on the list was Amnesia by 5sos.

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape’ Cause I’m not fine at all

The Lyrics

A song I had liked for a long time, but that day for the first time I resonated with it. I wished I had Amnesia. Steph got out of the bathroom and found me crying again. She reprimanded me for listening to sad music, stopped it and then comforted me until I was quiet. I went to the shower and obviously continued crying. Afterwards, I put on a brave face and we went for a walk on the beach.

This pretty much sums up my week. I was in so much pain that it was indescribable. I don’t know how I would have gone through it if Steph had not been around. Thank you so much. May God always bless you, Steph.

On Saturday I boarded SGR to Nairobi. Two things were to be accomplished: pick up all my stuff from my now former home, and go to the wedding. Yes, major denial still reigned and I thought we could still attend the wedding together as planned without any issues.

That 5 hours train ride was the most torturous time I have ever endured. I felt like I was on my way to my own slaughter. Nairobi was where my relationship was built and going back there brought all the pain to the surface. I had to stream some big bang theory reruns just to quieten the voices in my head.

When we got to the station I remember telling Steph that I imagined him coming to get me with a grand gesture that would make it all better. Steph then asked me, “Is he like that, the type to do that?” I answered with a strong no. It was just wishful thinking and deep down I knew that it was never going to happen. And it didn’t.

Steph’s boyfriend came to get us from the terminus and drove us to his house. As we walked up the stairs I felt like a homeless person. Just a walking distance from there, was my no longer home, with my comfortable ex-bed but here I was, going to sleep on my friend’s couch.

The following morning I was up by 5 with only one thing in mind. I had to go get my things. And so I went by 6 AM. I packed up all my stuff. In the end, I said goodbye to him and he asked to talk. And I stayed to talk because I needed it. That would be the last time I saw him in person.

After the talk, I went to the supermarket and bought comfort food, ice cream, sugared wows and potato crisps. I then walked to Steph’s place where I had planned to spend the week as we got ready for the wedding. The whole day I only ate those things which was a bad idea. We spent the afternoon with my cousin and Steph watching YouTube videos of people singing which was a great distraction.

Later in the evening, they left and I was finally alone. Obviously, I couldn’t sleep and at one point, my stomach felt too empty. I drank some milk because I thought it would help. A move I would come to regret 5 minutes later as I knelt on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet as I puked my guts out. It was at that moment, as pain shot from my stomach from all the hurling and tears fell from my eyes again, that all the denial and shock left my system.

At that moment I knew it was over. I knew I couldn’t go to the wedding or stay at Steph’s as it was too close to my ex-home and all the painful memories it carried with it.

A day later as I was in the cab towards my sister’s place, I sent one last painful text. The kicks of a dying horse perhaps. I got a reply which I replied back… And that was it. 2 final blue ticks that marked the true end of my 7 Yr relationship. There was no reply this time. An unanswered text that told a painful truth. A truth that ushered in the next step in my inevitable journey.

That night when my sister asked me how I was, I replied, “I am living and breathing so I guess that is okay”. And truly the best thing I could do then was to breathe. Because beyond that, it was indescribable.

And thus stage two began for me. Feeling lost, broken and in pain. Read the next stage here: Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 2 – Feeling Lost, Broken and In Pain

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