The Spot

Outside my house, I have a clear view of the parking lot. To the right of it, is a security light that shines bright at night. I find my eyes looking there whenever I go to close the curtains or when I close the door before I go to sleep. I catch myself looking even when I don’t really want to. Maybe it is a force of habit. The spot that would soon become a big deal.

Why is this spot significant? Well, you’ll see why.

I was in a green dress, he was in the jacket I had bought for him for his birthday as it had become our tradition (I bought him a jacket every year for his birthday, among other things but the Jacket was special). Our friend was taking pictures of us. We were holding each other and looking at each other.

The one picture that is engraved in my memory is where I was smiling up at him, with so much love in my heart and he was smiling down at me, and I could see the love reflected back. At that moment I knew I did not want to lose him. At that moment all I felt was love. So I smiled more and loved him more and I knew I would treasure that moment forever.

What I did not know was that the pictures we took that night, would be the last real happy pictures we’d ever take as a couple. The last happy memory after a great relationship. A relationship that wasn’t perfect, with its share of ups and downs, but no matter what, we could always look at each other like we did in that picture and know that everything would work out.

What I did not realise then, was that just a few hours after that moment, my life as I knew it would be shattered, by an accidentally learned truth and well-concealed lies. I did not know that the love I was feeling would start to feel so meaningless in a matter of hours. And the eyes that reflected back at me with so much love, would soon feel like a stranger was looking back at me when I looked into them.

But what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you and so at that moment, I was in bliss.

Now when I look at that spot, I find myself greeting the ghosts of who we were. Sometimes I say goodnight to them. Other times I ask them if they had a feeling that that was the last moment of happiness together. Often, I just look and release a sigh, check the locked door, switch the lights off and go to sleep.

By telling you this, I release those ghosts, they were all in my head because ghosts do not exist. I seal that memory deep in my mind. I will always appreciate it but it will no longer be the last thing I think about before going to bed. Goodbye ghost of us. I hope you rest well. I am moving on from you.