Diary of a Healing Girl: Stage 5,6,7… – Moving on, Lessons learned and the End?

Every journey has an end. And this is it. This is the healing chapter of the Heartbroken & Healing Girl Series. Read the previous post here: Diary of a Healing Girl: Stage 4 – Birthday Blues and Birthday Blessings

Disclaimer: This is written from my point of view. Every relationship has two people and every story has two sides. I am writing this hoping that one day a person going through what I went through will read and be encouraged and know that it gets better. It did for me (Sorry I gave away the ending😂).

I put these stages together because they overlap and they share the same sentiment.

Moving on

The last step is moving on with life. It doesn’t matter what the source of your pain is. In the end, life moves on, you just need to make a choice to move on with it.

I have gotten to a place where I have forgiven everything and every one concerning the heartbreak, myself especially. The pain faded away a while ago and every other negative emotion it might have brought about.

This means that whenever I think about my relationship, I usually remember the good things. This causes me to miss it and by design my ex. I miss the promises we made and never fulfilled. Although, with each passing day I miss to a little less, and soon it will be a distant memory.

It is important to forget the past if you want to move on. Both the good and the bad. I am currently working on forgetting that past and completely move on.

Am I still in love with my ex? Maybe. I am not sure. How do you tell? Part of me will always love him and remember the years we spent fondly.

The one clear thing is that I miss him less every day. I also think of him less often. Now I can go a day or two, probably more, without thinking of him or us. And when I do think of it, it does not necessarily affect my mood. It is just a passing thought.

I don’t have bad days anymore pertaining to the breakup. Of course, I have normal life induced bad days just like everyone else. Maybe I get some bad hours and bad minutes from time to time because of the end of it all but even then, it is not too much to keep a record of.

The question of am I ready to date again? No. Strong no.

Partly because I am afraid of giving someone my heart again with a license to break it. But mostly because I want to experience life as an adult without a safety net.

My ex and I started dating when I was 21. He was basically there through the struggle of my first job, bad jobs, quitting jobs and financial & family crises. In fact, he was there during all the good things too like my master’s graduation, my first and current job that I really love, my awesome 6-month trip to Europe, my decision to live only with a suitcase(which he supported and encouraged, giving me a safety net of a home to always come back to.) He was there through it all.

Because of that, I always had a comfort bubble to hide in, whenever I needed to.

Now when I make decisions, it’s with the knowledge that it is me, myself and I with God.

Another major reason I don’t want to date now is that I want my personal relationship with God to be a solid foundation before I fall in love with anyone again.

In all honesty, I don’t like being single all that much, I liked being in a relationship. Having someone to talk to whenever about whatever. And that is part of my challenge, learn how to love being single. And I am not one to run from a good challenge.

If and when I will be ready to love someone again, I am sure I will meet the right one. But until then, this girl is riding solo and she is on fire.

However, this is just me, if you subscribe to the idea that moving on means getting under someone else, then, by all means, do so. But don’t rush it.

To me, moving on is being able to live independently without the thought of my previous relationship bearing any weight on my present.

So yeah, I don’t think I am out of the storm yet but I choose to dance in it every day.

When one day I will be able to say that I am over it and I have moved on completely I will be sure to tell you when and how it happens. Until then this healing girl will continue her life. Living every day, exhausting its mercies as the next day will have its own.

Me, myself, and I with God, Always and Forever.

One may ask, what about the questions I was asking myself earlier?

To be honest, at some point those questions stopped mattering to me. It did not matter what the answer was. Like asking yourself, why is the sky blue?

I know that I am lovable and I am enough. I don’t care anymore that my ex never reached out to me. It is his loss, not mine.

Another question I have been asked is, would you ever get back together with your ex? NO FREAKING WAY!

The thing is I still love him and maybe I will for a while. But Love isn’t enough. Being in a relationship is like handing someone a loaded gun with a license to kill. Along with a certificate that is sealed and signed with your heart.

When someone hurts you, it is their decision and choice to use one of the bullets you so graciously gave them. So why would I get back together with a person who has already proved to me beyond reasonable doubt that they are capable of firing that gun that I entrusted them to with all I had?

It would be like picking up all the pieces, rebuilding myself, then reloading the same gun and handing it to him again saying, here, break me again. So No Thank You!

Lessons Learned

1. I am an extremist, I have always been.

I don’t have a lukewarm bone in my body. When I commit to something then it’s always both feet in or both feet out. What I didn’t realise it that this applied to my emotions too. With this experience, I learned that when I love, I love with all I have, and vice versa, when I break, I break all I am.

2.My friends, family and I, have created an illusion of how strong I am.

It is not a lie or misguided to say that I am strong, because I really am. I have been strong in situations where most people wouldn’t be. But what we all failed to realise is that even the strongest person can break.

In fact, when such a person gets hurt, they hurt the most. One reason is that it would take quite a lot to hurt them, and also, they never have anyone to comfort them. Because everyone thinks they’ll automatically pull through.

3. My mind has more darkness than I ever thought, but it also has more light to match.

I never even in my wildest dreams thought that I would reach a place where I asked myself what was the point of living if we will die anyway. But I did. So now I know that my mind is too powerful and I intend to use that power for good. To think positively and embrace the light.

4. People can choose each other

We are all alone and that is all we need. We only choose to be with people we love, simply because we want to. My ex and I chose each other every day, not because we couldn’t survive without each other but simply because we were in love. Then one day we didn’t choose each other and it failed.

This is the kind of love I like, and if I’ll ever dare to open my heart again, then I want to be the most independent person ever in all aspects.

I want to know that I can live without my partner but wake up every day, look at them and choose to live with them. I want to fight for that love with everything I have. And my partner will always know that they are loved. Maybe I could have done more in my previous relationship to show my love to him. But again, maybe I couldn’t.

5. Losing friends in a break up hurts like a …..

People lose friends in breakups. The only thing is that you do not realise how that hurts until you see a picture of every one of your friends having fun, with your ex in the middle. So if you can keep in touch with individual people in the group, do so. It helps a lot. It has definitely helped me.

6. Some questions will remain unanswered and that is okay, because the answer won’t matter anymore.

At some point, I envied friends who’ve told me that they had to block their exes who couldn’t stop bothering them. In my case, there wasn’t a single text or call or social media stalking. I kind of wished there was.

While usually, it’s annoying and infuriating, in a way it also shows that someone took a while to let you go.

For me, I was dropped like a hot potato and was forgotten in a flash. I think a part of me will always wonder why my ex never reached out, but I know now that his reasons don’t matter to me anymore.

7. Everyone can move on

If you put your mind to it, you can get through anything. Allow yourself to break down. Then slowly start putting yourself back together. Alcohol and drugs are only distractions and only end up making everything worse. Find healthy distractions, until you don’t need any.

The End?

As you can see, the title has question marks. Is this the end of my journey?

This is the end of the series but is it the end of my journey? I don’t think so.

What happens at the end? I would like to imagine a utopia where my dead relationship doesn’t matter to me anymore. Or where I don’t think, miss or love my ex. Maybe I will get there someday.

I am not sure where this journey ends at all. All I know is that I am a better person because of it.

Am I still in love with my ex, maybe, or not, who knows? I can feel some love in the memories and my thoughts of him. That connection I had to him was too strong to just end. It gets weaker daily so I know that soon I won’t be in love with him. But as I write this, part of me is still in love with him, unfortunately.

However, if someone gave me a time machine to go back and fix my relationship before it ended, I would say no thank you. I love who I am now more than I ever loved my ex.

What I found after the end of my relationship is something precious. Something I wouldn’t exchange with anything.

I am happier now. With the happiness that is so pure that sometimes I wonder why I am worthy of it. But I know I am worthy. Because I am a child of my father and He will always protect me.

I never want to go back to a time I did not have my faith in God as I do now.

My story has just begun.

I will travel the world as I had planned. I will expand my career and get to my goals as I wanted back then.

View the list of countries I have visited and will visit here

The only difference is that now when I look forward, I see God’s purpose for me, not a man and what he would have offered.

When I face difficulties, I close my eyes and ask for help above, not text that number that I still know so well at my fingertips.

My destination is great, I may not know exactly what it is, but I believe that the Most-High has prepared it for me.

I am single and learning to love it.

I am not searching.

And if someone spots me and tries to chase me, I will run like the wind.

I am not ready for a relationship and I don’t know when I will be.

28 & proud of my age and what I have accomplished so far and I am okay not being married or having kids. I am fulfilled all on my own because of He who lives In me.

For those girls and boys who feel the pressure of settling into marriage, please don’t. Do it when you feel ready.

Thank you for reading the diary of a Heartbroken and healing girl. If you have learnt something along the way, I am glad. Pass it on.

If you haven’t learnt anything, I hope it was a good read anyway.

This is the end of this side of my story. The one half of what happens when an epic love story ends.

The seven years were great, I will always cherish them and everything I achieved throughout.

And for everyone else who is in pain. Do not avoid it, go through it until you come out on the other end. Trust me, it is beautiful on this side.

Thank you again for reading this epic ranting of a heartbroken and healing girl. If you ever feel like talking to someone. Feel free to DM me on any social, or leave a message on the contact form. Feel free to talk to me whenever.

Ciao Adios I am done.

With love,

Kirra.

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