Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 4 – Forgiveness and The Brief Bliss It Brings

Before you get into it, this is part 4 of the Heartbroken Girl series. Read the previous post here: Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 3 – Deep Sadness and Deeper Pain

Disclaimer: This is written from my point of view. Every relationship has two people and every story has two sides. I am writing this hoping that one day a person going through what I went through will read and be encouraged and know that it gets better. It did for me (Sorry I gave away the ending 😂).

On March 23rd, I woke up worse than usual and that day I listened to the song Easy by Lillian Hepler on repeat. These words played on repeat on my mind too.

I did this to myself 
And now I feel like hell 
For leaving me so easy 
Why was it so easy 
I did this to myself 

I was asking myself over and over again why it was so easy for him to leave me. How come I never left a mark? Why couldn’t he have fought for me even for a moment? Because of this, I felt so miserable that I could barely concentrate on work.

I had gotten to a point where the pain was unbearable. Not knowing what else to do, I texted Steph a link to that song and told her that it described how I was feeling, and it really was. When she texted me back about forgiveness, it was at a point where I needed to do anything to make the pain go away. My sister had told me the same before, but I think I wasn’t ready to hear it until that moment.

So there it was a simple solution, a solution that promised to take away my sadness and my pain. It was something that I had done before countless times, but often it was not as life-changing as this would have been. Because of how big it was, I realised one thing, I did not know how to purposely forgive.

Do you just say the words and that is it? Did you have to tell the person you are forgiving? What is the process?

People talk about forgiveness all the time. We are taught that we should forgive and forget from a young age. The Bible says to forgive 70×7 times. But in all that, there is no one who ever tells you how to forgive.

Being a normal millennial, I did what most of us do when we don’t know something. I went on Google and typed HOW TO FORGIVE. if you don’t believe me, here is a screenshot of my history on that day.

I proceeded to read many informative articles that all had roughly the same process and procedure for forgiveness. After that, I called a cousin of mine who had told us in a gathering that he does not hold grudges. He has mastered the art of forgiveness and letting go of things he cannot control. And so he helped me further. He told me that when you forgive, you let God do what he wants.

In terms of tangible steps that I needed to follow, I ended up liking and following is this one: How to Forgive Someone (Even If They Really Screwed Up) Not only because of the title but also because it was really informative and objective. Summarised below.

Forgiveness simply means letting go of your hurt, pain and sorrow (that is what I was feeling). For others, it is letting go of the anger, resentment and need for vengeance.

healthline

Why you need to forgive

1. Forgiveness helps you heal
2. It can improve other relationships
3. Forgiveness has health benefits
4. Forgiveness can help you reconcile (If that is the aim, in my case it wasn’t)

You have to be ready to forgive. It is not just a one-step process and it is mainly an inside job.

Process of Forgiveness

1. Talk about your feeling to someone you trust. This will help you understand why you are feeling what you are feeling. If you cannot talk to anyone, write it down, and even throw the paper or burn it, if you don’t want to keep it. Hell, talk to yourself if needed (I did that a lot😁). I also wrote a lot and talked on the phone to my sister and friends.
2. Forgive smaller things and FORGIVE YOURSELF. People often forget to forgive themselves for their role in their own pain and unfortunately this only makes it harder for them to forgive others.
3. Find the brighter side. Always focus on the positive.
4. EMPHATHISE. I cannot begin to say how important this step is. Up until this point, I had beaten myself up over the fact that my Ex did not love me and that is why he left me so easy. I also had convinced myself that he was not in pain and that he did not care at all that he had hurt me. During this step, I had to get into his shoes. I saw the man who had loved me for 7 years and helped me so many times I could not count. I saw the man who had been there for me through dark times and always put me first. And I realised that whatever happened, there was no way that this man did not care that he hurt me. And most of all, I acknowledged that when he told me he was sorry, he probably really meant it. Just because I did not have proof of him hurting because of the break up, it did not mean that he didn’t. This was a man I could forgive.
5. Write a letter expressing your point of view of the hurt/pain, addressed to the person you are forgiving, detailing everything you feel. This letter doesn’t need to be sent. It just helps you to express what you are forgiving for.
6. Talk to a person you trust about your decision and read a lot of information on forgiveness. This helps it be real.
7. Move on by focusing on the positive things you have in life.

The most important part of forgiveness is meaning it from deep within.

Armed with enough knowledge, I said it in my heart, felt it in my bones, and I forgave him and myself, meaning it with all I had. I proceeded to write a poem (if I can call it that), about it, and I also wrote him a letter (I never sent it and never will). The letter was directed to him but for myself.

The Poem😁

I felt instant relief, it was like the pain washed away from me. As a result, I felt lighter. And that night I slept better. I stopped listening to my sad songs on repeat and concentrated on another playlist I started making that day. This playlist gave me a little strength. I named this playlist New Beginning. Find it here on Spotify and Youtube. These songs gave me some motivation to move on.

The following day, I woke up feeling better than I had in 2 months. I did my usual morning routine and started work. As I went for my morning run, the sea was as calm as my heart. I listened to my new playlist on repeat and documented how I was feeling.

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There was a bliss that came with truly forgiving. I felt it deep in my bones. There was no sadness anymore. Even my eyes had cleared up.

Remember that analogy of me feeling like I was falling into a deep pit/well? When I decided to forgive and let go of the pain, it was like I got a hanging branch/root that I could sit on for a while and rest from the pain. I could also see light at the top and that gave me hope of better days.

All the articles I read talked about forgiveness as the first step to healing. As I looked up from my resting branch, I had hope that I would be able to climb out of my deep pit.

At the same time, I was planning a trip for my family during Easter, I had a family gathering to attend in mid-April and a lot of friends wanted to visit Malindi during weekends in April and May.

All these plans gave me more hope that I would be okay. They were like climbing ropes that were added for me to use to crawl out of my pit.

Therefore, for the rest of that week, I was good for the first time since my breakup. I also started having hope for my future again. I could see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, not all good things go as planned. An announcement from the head of state destroyed everything in a matter of minutes when he declared “There shall be a cessation of movement into and out of the infected areas Nairobi…” This only meant one thing, my family and friends were not getting out of Nairobi to come to visit me and I could not travel to Nairobi either.

At first, the news did not sink in so I went about my days as planned and enjoyed doing stuff from time to time. The bliss from forgiveness was still plenty to draw from. I still had a kick in my spirit.

On Saturday, I went to visit Ndoro Sculpture Garden, Malindi and I really enjoyed myself. I was really determined to keep my spirits up and visit all the places I had planned to visit when I first decided to move to Malindi.

When I woke up on Sunday, I wasn’t in the best of spirits though. The news of the lockdown in Nairobi had finally sunk in. I finally realised that I was in Malindi all alone and I would not be seeing any family or friends until further notice. The bliss I had felt wore off, just like that.

The hope I had been gathering and the determination to climb out of my pit depleted. With that, the branch that was my rescue broke and my free fall restarted, this time it was too fast and too depressing and before I knew it I was in total darkness and total despair. The next stage had come sooner than I expected and there it was: my rock bottom.

What I learned, later on, is that forgiveness is just a door that opens up a better future, but it does not guarantee that the future will be great. It is important to have solid measures to help you move through it. Most people use distractions to get them to where they need to be, and it usually helps for a while. Maybe if the lockdown wouldn’t have happened, I would have never ended up at rock bottom. I would have found a way to climb out of the dark pit and enjoy the sun again. But I wasn’t so lucky and so the next stage began: Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 5 – Hitting Rock Bottom and Thoughts of Ending it All.

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<< Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 3 – Deep Sadness and Deeper PainDiary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 5 – Hitting Rock Bottom and Thoughts of Ending It All >>