Diary of a Healing Girl: Stage 1 – The First Step

In this journey, there is always a turning point. Where you start healing. But healing comes afterwards. This is the healing chapter of the Heartbroken & Healing Girl Series. Read the previous post here: Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 7 – Consuming Emptiness and Withdrawal

Disclaimer: This is written from my point of view. Every relationship has two people and every story has two sides. I am writing this hoping that one day a person going through what I went through will read and be encouraged and know that it gets better. It did for me (Sorry I gave away the ending😂).

As I sat on my couch. Having tried everything else I could think of. My mind was now blank. So I thought, “I should go to church tomorrow”.

I googled Full Gospel Church which is where I grew up. It was not far from my house, and I decided to go the next day.

I slept okay that night and did not cry at all. In any case, after crying for 24 hrs non-stop, I probably did not have any more tears left.

Sunday morning I woke up, listened to some preaching on TV, and left for church.

It was a nice service, teens danced and it was exciting and I knew I wanted to go back the next Sunday.

I did not talk to a single person there, after the service. I decided to walk along the beach when going back home instead of taking a motorbike.

The beach was as peaceful as usual. As I walked, with my toes in the water, I found myself talking to the ocean as if it was an invisible confidant. As if it was my ex. I said a lot of things that I felt and I did not feel silly talking to myself. I needed to really let it out.

In the end, I said goodbye to my ex and my relationship. For my own peace of mind, I knew I needed to let go of all that. I may not have been in pain anymore but whatever that was within me was consuming me faster than the pain ever had. I wrote him another letter too. One I will never send. Saying my final goodbyes.

When I got back to my house, I felt a little better. That next week was also better, not good, but better than the last few weeks. I was still feeling empty and I was still filling like I was fading away.

Nothing really felt good and I didn’t have any more joy than I had the last week.

Going to church was not an automatic happy switch. But it was enough to keep me from drowning.

That week, I also started to realise that I was not as alone or as empty as I felt. I still have friends, family, a career and a lot more going for me.

While I did not know what to do to get rid of the emptiness yet, I was determined to stop it from consuming me.

The best thing going to church that Sunday did for me was making me want to go the next weekend. Because the next Sunday my life changed. My healing started.

The next Sunday, I woke up early, listened to the TV sermon and went to church.

The service was pretty much like the last one.

But this time, the preacher spoke to me specifically. He taught about VISION and having one. He taught about the foundation of that vision.

And it was at that moment I got my AHA. You know that revelation that makes everything else makes sense? I got that as the Reverend was preaching.

Remember a few chapters ago I said that I had discovered that I no longer had a destination? Turns out I was on the right track. But it wasn’t until the Rev. put it the way he did that I realised just how grave my situation was.

I had wondered why the absence of one guy in my life would cause me so much distress. It was puzzling since I still had everything else. I had my career, my job, my aspirations, friends and family. So why did I almost lose myself in my grief?

And it hit me. I have always known that I have an extremist type of nature. In everything I do, I am always both legs in. I don’t have a lukewarm bone in my body. I am either hot or cold and nothing in between. What I did not realise, is that it applied to everything.

See, in the years where I stopped going to church, I had completely forgotten that fundamental faith that I had grown up with. That faith was my foundation until I was 20 yrs old. In fact, at some point in my early 20s, I barely believed that God existed.

This means that there was a vacuum inside my person where my faith used to be. And that vacuum needs to be filled by something. For most people, it is either careers, family, drugs, sex, e.t.c.

For me, it was my relationship. It was just automatic and not something I decided. The stronger my relationship with my ex grew, the more my faith in it spread into that vacuum. And at some point without my conscious knowledge, my relationship and by definition my ex became my foundation in life. It had become that no-brainer entity in my entire being that I thought I’d always have.

My faith in my relationship became the reason why I’d quit my job without too much worry and the reason why I was confident to travel wherever I wanted since I knew always have a home to go back to.

It had become my rock and my foundation. He had become my rock and my foundation. My vision. And that in itself was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Even though it happened automatically, it was still a massive mistake.

When we broke up and my relationship died, that strong foundation I had built around it, was bulldozed in a split second.

Basically from the moment my relationship ended, I was living without a foundation, a rock, and a vision.

It was like walking around headless, or with a blindfold.

Like trying to stand without a spine.

And that was why I broke the way I did.

On that Sunday, I realised how wrong I had been all those years without knowing.

How wrong I was to replace my faith in God with faith in a person and a thing that had no guarantees.

So I cried as I prayed and told God to forgive me. Forgive me for giving his place away. I cried and begged Him to take back his place in my being, in my heart and in my life.

And He did.

In an instant, the emptiness I felt was erased. That joyless, unfulfilled state was wiped off right there. I honestly cannot tell you how it happened. All I know is that after making that prayer, I felt completely changed. The emptiness was simply replaced by grace that could only come from God.

I prayed for a vision that is everlasting and not attached to a fading thing, for His purpose in my life to be manifested.

That Sunday I even went to greet the Reverend because of how much he changed my life.

And as I left the church I had a leap in my step.

That afternoon, I visited Marafa, Hell’s Kitchen. I can honestly say it was the first genuine smile I had in nearly 4 months.

Let me take a moment and explain something. We all have people and things we love and those things make up our reasons to live.

If you are reading this, then I want you to take away one thing.

Do not let the foundation of your being be replaced by a human being or a material object. Whether a partner, or a job or a family.

That place is reserved for a higher being and a higher purpose.

As a Christian, that higher being is God. And I know my God is powerful and so you should try him.

Some people call it the universe or any other name.

But the bottom line is, please, do not let that place be occupied by a human who can change their mind or a thing that can disappear.

People leave, careers fail, jobs end, achievements can stop meaning something. Families can abandon you. Friends can move on from you. That person you love with all your heart can betray you.

But that one higher being, higher purpose, my God. That love is steadfast and forever.

I pray to God that I never replace that faith in him with anything ever again.

That faith made everything better. It turned my life around. I am alive because of it.

On Monday I ran, and I enjoyed it. I worked and relished in it. Whenever I watched TV, I loved it. I lived again after 4 months of feeling dead inside.

Nothing changed. My heart did not unbreak. And my relationship was still dead. My ex did not reach out to assure me. I was still alone surrounded by white walls. I was still by myself miles from my loved ones. But I was a different person. A better person.

Me, myself and I, with God.

This was the first step of healing. The realisation that I had been going about everything all wrong. And I corrected that.

But healing isn’t linear, and it is messy as you fill find out in the next stage: The diary of a Healing Girl: Healing not healed.

Series Navigation

<< Diary of a Heartbroken Girl: Stage 7 – Consuming Emptiness and WithdrawalDiary of a Healing Girl: Stage 2 – Healing not Healed, A Brutal Awakening >>